Batons: What Are They Good For?

When I was a noob, I remember the old bucks telling war stories about the PR-24 —  and by war stories I mean griping about how much they hated it. The only thing it was good for, they said, was wedging it behind the seat in the cruiser so they could hang their hat on it. They were nothing like the slick, expandable batons we carry today — at least you could hang your hat on the PR-24.

I carried an expandable baton for years and didn’t find it particularly useful, either. It took up space on my belt, and when you’re as skinny as I was, real estate around the waist was at a premium. It did, however, balance out the weight of my pistol on my belt like a ballast in a boat. But I only ever used it in a grand total of three — count ‘em — three scenarios. Other than that, it just weighed me down and gave me something to push the passenger side mirror back into place after one of my hilarious coworkers would slap it sideways as they walked by my cruiser.

So if you’re carrying around a baton and wondering what it’s good for, here are a few scenarios that I encountered during my career to illustrate their usefulness.

Scenario No. 1: Catching Wayward Porcupines

Well, it was just the one porcupine, really.

You know it’s a nice neighborhood when their biggest concern is a “possibly” rabid porcupine (emphasis on “possibly”) skulking about, looking shady. You also know your career isn’t what you imagined it would be when you have to respond to said call in said neighborhood.

It must be rabid, they said, because it was out during the day. And, AND it was walking funny. The horror. Quickly everyone, hide the children.

I’m not Steve Erwin The Crocodile Hunter who knows a thing or two about wildlife, but one thing I did know was that the porcupine was fine and the only thing he (or she) was guilty of was grazing in the grass of the wrong neighborhood.

Someone must have had the ear of the supervisor that day because when I tried clearing the call my sergeant gave me a ring and ordered me to catch it. Maybe you didn’t read that right – He wanted me to catch the porcupine. Sure. Fine. The only problem was that IT WAS A PORCUPINE. This was not only not police work, this was not normal. But when you work in a small town, you catch porcupines because your sergeant said so.

And so, the time had come to improvise. I commondered a neighbor’s garbage can, snapped my expandable baton into beast mode, and got to work. With the trash can in one hand and my baton in the other, I bravely entered the cul-de-sac in pursuit of my quarry who was aggressively munching on grass and digging for grubs. It was hideous.

After making my approach from the rear using his blindside to my advantage, I lowered the gaping mouth of the barrel and simultaneously wedged the end of my baton under the porcupine’s belly. Then, capitalizing on my tremendous wrist strength, flicked him sideways into the barrel in one fell stroke. This stellar display of athleticism and bravery was met by a thunderous applause from the crowd that had formed to watch the battle between good (that’s me) and evil (that’s him), thus proving my baton wasn’t completely useless after all.

With the frightening creature duly captured, I drove a couple miles and released him into the woods where he could terrorize the good citizens no more.

Scenario No. 2: Breaking Car Windows

Well, it was just the two windows, really.

Single car accidents are generally the result of one of four things: distraction, inexperience, inebriation, or gremlins. (I know because I’ve seen the movie). Most people who are competent, sober drivers don’t just drive into a tree or a telephone pole on a whim. So when I found the car on the dark, windy road I knew my odds of getting to the bottom of it were definitely in my favor.

What I didn’t expect to find was the car on its roof in a shallow pond. The driver was standing on the side of the road soaking wet, drunk, and answered “I don’t know” to far too many questions, including maybe the most important one of all – Was anyone else in the car?

It was the middle of the night and street lights were non-existent on that rural road. The car was upside-down and partially submerged down an embankment, making my spotlight essentially useless because of the steep angle. I climbed down the sloping shoulder and got knee-deep in the water, doubled over, and tried to peer in through the remaining six inches of window glass that was still above water. Because of the glare from my light off the glass and the surface of the pond I couldn’t be sure if someone was in there or not. This gave me my big chance to A) be a hero and save someone’s life and, B) smash a window with my baton. Which, if I’m honest, was far more exciting than Option A.

It’s hard to express how satisfying it is to be able to legally damage property – something I love about this job. But I digress. I whipped out my baton and went to town on the two passenger side windows. Glass and water went flying everywhere as I swung with reckless abandon. With the windows amply destroyed and out of the way I again bent over, dipped the top of my head into the water in order to see in, and confirmed there was no one else inside the car. I would not be labeled a hero that day, but I did get to break something.

My baton had done its job that night, but it would be several more years until the next time it would be called off the bench.

Scenario No. 3: Hitting People

Well, it was just the one person, really.

In almost 20 years of police work I have only ever hit one person with my baton and he didn’t even say ouch.

Now, you might be thinking based on that statement that it’s probably because I have the upper body strength of a Corgi. After all, getting hit with a metal rod should hurt — a lot. Though I would first argue that I could take a Corgi in a fight, I would then argue that this guy I encountered was either superhuman, extraterrestrial, or on drugs because he didn’t seem to feel a thing. Since I highly doubt I encountered the alter-ego of a Marvel hero or E.T.’s second cousin twice removed, I’m leaning heavily toward the theory that the man walking down the middle of a main road with a thousand yard stare at 4 o’clock in the morning was whacked out on drugs. Call me crazy, but I’m just playing the odds here.

When we first encountered this guy our intent was just to tell him to get out of the road so we could get back to studying our SOPs, but no. He marched right past us without a word or a glance, forcing our hand. We grabbed onto him and the fight was on.

For a wiry fellow he was disproportionately strong, and the two of us couldn’t get him into handcuffs. Then he went into zombie-mode and started biting, and at that point all bets were off. I was gassed and almost completely out of energy, and since we weren’t issued Tasers at that time, there was only one other option before having to shoot this guy — my baton.

I took it out and swung for the fences, all within policy, mind you. Despite my accuracy and effort, he never winced or even made a sound, which I think made it all the more bizarre. I hit him more than a few times but soon realized that this looked really bad and that I had thrown out my shoulder. After what felt like an eternity we were eventually able to get him handcuffed and then we just laid on top of him sucking wind until backup arrived. The ‘ol baton had proved ineffectual that night, giving me little more than a story to tell.

It wasn’t too long after that incident that my department did get Tasers, and the baton — cue the violins — got its walking papers.

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• If you carry a baton, how many times have you used it?
• Did you find it helpful or effective?
• How do you compare it to the Taser?
• Given the choice, would you carry a baton at all?

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