Maybe you’re new to this job or maybe you’ve been doing it for a long time. You could be a spouse of a police officer or maybe even the child of one. My guess is that wherever you find yourself you have some concerns, particularly when it comes to your relationships.
For me, my biggest relationship concerns fall between being a husband and being a father. My two oldest kids were 4 and 18 months old when I got hired and headed off to the Academy. Back then when dinosaurs roamed the earth, us recruits lived at the Academy Monday through Friday and were only allowed one five minute phone call on Wednesday nights. With a wife and two small kids at home I was beginning to feel that I was systematically destroying my family by being a police officer and I was only just getting started.
Daddy Who?
I’ll never forget my first weekend home. I walked in the door and up the stairs to our small studio apartment in the loft of a barn. As my shaved head crested the top of the staircase and I looked to my right toward the kitchen I realized that my kids were not happy to see me. Quite the opposite. They didn’t seem to want to come near me. Our first lengthy separation seemed to have flipped a switch in their little brains that sounded an alarm that their dad had in some way, shape, or form abandoned them. Now he was back and wanted everything to be the same and they were not okay with that. It wasn’t the homecoming I had envisioned.
They did warm up to me and things got better as the weeks progressed and I came home each weekend. Then I graduated from Police Academy, shift work started, and I was all messed up. It was the first time I had ever worked midnights, evenings, weekends, and holidays. It took a lot of getting used to — the kind of getting used to that’s a lot like jumping into icy cold water — you never really get used to it, you just develop a sort of tolerance for it.
Too Much Of A Good Thing
I grew up in a Christian home. My dad was an ordained reverend and a professor of theology. My grandfather and uncle were both pastors. Church and ministry were always at the center of my life in both example and in practice. It may never have been said out loud or in so many words, but I was taught that ministry came first. I began living that out without even thinking about it and reaping what I had sown.
As the years wore on I became more and more involved in church. I took on additional responsibilities there, serving in various ministries and roles. Between my work schedule, my kids’ school schedules, and serving at church multiple days each week, I once again became a stranger to my wife and my kids. Something had to give.
Behind The Curtain
Thankfully God was about to teach me something before I had to go any further down the path of learning things the hard way, which in my case was a well-worn path. I found myself at a weekend men’s conference — yes, another church activity that took me away from my family. However, I was about to learn something I wish I had learned years earlier. But, I was young and there was still time for me to change course.
The guest speaker was an Air Force chaplain who told the story of how he chose his career path and a promise he had made to his family. It was a promise that almost made me fall out of my chair when he told us what it was. He said that after deciding on entering the chaplaincy, he sat his family down and told them this: “If I ever put my ministry ahead of you, I will quit.” That simple statement was so counterintuitive to anything I had ever known. I felt like Dorothy visiting the Great and Powerful Oz only to find a little man behind the curtain pulling the levers. Everything I believed about service was wrong and it was time to take those extra hats I was wearing and set them aside.
An Order To Things
Because we gain a real sense of identity from what we do and see our work as important, it becomes easy for us to make our work paramount while everyone else takes a back seat. That’s true of Christian ministry and it is true of police work. Just because the work we do is holy or noble does not give it supremacy above all else, especially our families. There is an order to things.
When my wife and I were in premarital counseling with our pastor, he told us a couple things that I had heard but hadn’t listened to. It took time and error for me to learn, some of which I have already told you about. First, he told us that my relationship with my wife came before my relationship with my kids because our marriage was the foundation upon which we would build our family and raise our little sinners. Without a solid foundation anything we built on it was subject to crumbling. Since the marriage relationship is primary I have to treat it as such. Second, he told us that kids spell love T-I-M-E. The time we spend with our kids is not measured by quantity, but by quality. It means being fully present with them in time, space, and attention. It means turning the TV off and putting the phones away. Your kids know the difference, trust me.
Yes, our jobs are demanding and we have to make a living. Yes, it’s good for us to give of our time to serve God and others. And yes, we are all limited to 24 hours in a day. But with all that said it’s important for us to remember there is an order to things. Your spouse comes first. Your kids come next. And they all spell love T-I-M-E.
5 Tips For A Stronger Family
Before I let you go here are a couple little tips that might help you get started. Just give them time:
1. If you’re going to work extra because you need a short term boost in income, there is a big project to complete, or you just caught a demanding case, give your family an end-date so that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Don’t leave them thinking it will go on in perpetuity with no end in sight. And when that end-date arrives, do something together.
2. If you’re going to serve, serve together as a family. Don’t go off on your own to save and to serve. Bringing your kids with you will not only allow you to spend time together but it will also teach them service, compassion, and generosity.
3. Eat dinner together around a table, not a television. Allow time for conversation and don’t allow phones at the table.
4. When it comes to your kids’ extracurricular activities, be careful not to overdo it. Yes, sports and dance and scouting are all good things, but when your time off is spent as a chauffeur and your kids are bouncing from one activity to another there isn’t time for you to actually be together, connect, or build your relationship. Less is more.
5. If you’re the one who needs to adjust their priorities, get about the business of doing it. If your spouse is the one who needs to hear it, sit them down over dinner and kindly and directly let them know. If it’s one or both of your parents, have a heart to heart conversation with them. If starting the conversation is too awkward for you, share this article with them.
There is still time, you’re not dead yet.
__________________________
- Are your priorities in the right order?
- How are you managing your time?
- What do you need to do more of?
- What do you need less of?
- What are you waiting for?
__________________________
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