Promotional Olympics: Let The Games Begin

WARNING: The following content may not be appropriate for all audiences; it contains satire, hyperbole, and extreme sarcasm. Reader discretion is advised.

Who doesn’t love drama, suspense, photo finishes, and twist endings? Pretty much any normal person who works at a police department.

Promotional processes are different everywhere, I’m sure. Written tests, oral boards, and table top exercises are probably the norm. And when the test date approaches, you buckle down and study hard. But do you know what else is the norm? Politics.

Standby For Sarcasm

When the time for promotions roll around it’s always entertaining to see the shenanigans that go on behind the scenes — not to mention the ones that happen right out in the open. These are the games for the incompetent, the situationally unaware, and the politically infatuated. These are the Promotional Olympics.

So Many Events, So Little Time

Not only is variety the spice of life, it is also the key ingredient of any top-tier olympic games. Variety opens up lots of doors for creativity, and getting creative makes things interesting. Even though every department host its own olympics, here are a few events you may be familiar with:

Call Jumping

It’s fun to watch when those who rarely answer the radio and barely go to their own calls suddenly and inexplicably jump calls they weren’t sent to. The calls are usually the kind that draw attention from the media or the general public. Calls like the missing toddler, the bank robbery, calls with a high-profile or politically connected victim, and the like. The olympian usually shows up, doesn’t do any real work, talks a whole lot all over the radio, clears with no paperwork, and finally takes all the credit once the situation has resolved itself.

Radio Domination

Speaking of talking all over the radio…You can’t get a word in edgewise when the Olympics are in town. Radio Domination can be a dual event with Call Jumping and usually involves chiming in with useless information following actual meaningful radio traffic. For example, after some lowly, non-promotable officer identifies a suspect, the Promotional Olympian may be like, “If you’re not familiar with that guy he fought with a cop in 1982 and his whole family is not a fan of the police. Also, he’s lactose intolerant.” Ya, thanks for that. They also like to use the radio to proactively coordinate perimeters, orchestrate K9 tracks, or ask Dispatch seven thousand questions in hopes the dispatcher will solve the crime for them before they ever arrive at the call. And if you have two Radio Dominators on the air at the same time, heaven help you.

E-mail Shooting

Emails start flying when the Olympics are approaching. They’re almost like the department barometer letting you know that a storm is coming. Certain people start firing off department emails for everything — replying ‘all’ when completely unnecessary, offering unsolicited opinions or ideas, promoting charity events, and fake-congratulating people for various mediocre accomplishments. When you’ve sent out 73 emails in two days, we get it, you’re on the list, now stop.

Mastering the Grill

Who’s hungry for a promotion!? Isn’t it hilarious how certain people suddenly get thoughtful and generous right around the time there’s an opening to fill? They just coincidentally get a hankering for some good old fashioned home cookin’ so they can’t help but fire up the grill and share it with everyone — on all three shifts no less. No strings attached, really.

Problem Solving

Parking problem? Solved. Crime problem? Solved. Shift coverage problem? Solved. Vending machine problem? Solved. And by solved I mean offering all sorts of ideas that are not even close to solving the problem. No one solicited your advice and your ideas are terrible.

Spontaneous Motivation

You know the guy. He’s never had an ounce of motivation in his entire life and suddenly there’s a promotion to be had so he’s leading the charge to take the hill under withering cannon fire while everyone is wondering who is this guy and who is he trying to fool? Ya, that guy.

Back Stabbing

There’s nothing like a knife in the back to get someone promoted. I mean, if you can’t get promoted on your own merits then you might as well destroy as many people as possible to even the odds and be the last one standing, right? The gold medal back stabbers can do it without even getting their hands dirty.

Bus Driving

This is just a grownup version of a tattle tail but cleverly disguised as being inadvertent. Though some are naturally gifted in this area the best bus drivers have taken years to master their craft. Oops, did I just run over so-and-so? My bad.

Seed Planting

So many seeds to plant, so little time; seeds of doubt, inexperience, unreliability, disillusionment. The Seed Planter knows they not only have to plant the seeds, but they also need to water and fertilize them to make sure they grow big and strong. The only question for them is, Which seeds to plant first?

Credit Thievery

It’s really more of an art than a science. The Credit Thief specializes in stealing credit by appearing at the right place at just the right time. It may require wearing wrestling shoes in order to go full ninja, but it definitely involves taking credit simply by being in proximity of those who actually did the work.

The Buddy Carry

What if we actually promoted people based on their character, competence, and experience? Nah, that would make too much sense. No, the best way to choose our successors is to just carry our buddies to the top with us as we climb the ranks — whether they are qualified or not.

Playing Nice

If you’re the nice guy you automatically finish last. No medal for you. Sorry.

__________________________

• What events did I miss?
• Which ones are the most common at your department?
• What events have you participated in?
• Are you ‘that guy?’
• How can you change the way things are?
  __________________________

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