Moms are tactical. They didn’t have to try out, get selected, go to a training class, wear extra-medium t-shirts, tactical pants with a hundred pockets, carry a backpack covered in morale patches, or grow a tactical beard. Nope. After they birthed a small human somehow all kinds of information and skill sets were inexplicably downloaded into their brains like Neo in The Matrix. God gave them instincts and abilities that rival The Avengers.
Their tactics and gear may seem very different than ours on the surface, but there are more similarities than you might think. It’s all how you look at it.
It’s Not a Purse, It’s a Go-Bag
Tactical moms are always prepared, and much like Mary Poppins, they always have a bottomless bag filled with supplies for every conceivable circumstance. Hungry? No problem. She has at least three granola bars saved for just such an occasion. They may be two years old and falling apart but she knows what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. New clothes don’t fit? She’s got a receipt for that. Runny nose? Boom, she’s got tissues. Headache, diarrhea, or allergies acting up? Bam, she’s got all the meds. Dirty face? Wet wipes. Scraped knee? Band-aid. Chapped lips? Balm. Dry hands? Lotion. Starbucks? Gift card. Chick-fil-A? She’ll find a way. You name it, she’s got it.
It’s Not a Minivan, It’s an Unarmored Personnel Carrier
Tactical moms’ vehicles are always loaded to the teeth with children, and half of them aren’t even hers. She’s constantly transporting tiny personnel from one location to another, navigating car line, parking lots, and crowded streets with finesse, swear-word substitutes, and hand gestures that don’t count if the kids don’t see them. Her tactical mommobile has all the gear necessary for surviving everything from soccer practice to a nuclear fallout. She can talk on her phone, operate automatic sliding doors, put on makeup, play a movie, and make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich all at the same time without ever having to leave the driver’s seat. Mom gets the kids from A to B, B to C, and from C back to A while still managing to pick up random free items posted online, update her social media, and share videos of random internet babies.
It’s Not a Cell Phone, It’s a Mobile Command Center
Tactical moms are information gathering machines. They know what’s going on despite what the kids think and usually before it’s even happened yet. Tactical moms have an intelligence gathering network of other moms, news sites, social media groups, neighbors, and other sources who will remain nameless that are all culled and coordinated through her phone. Her mobile command center allows her to schedule dentist appointments, stalk your high school girlfriend, order pizza, get directions, buy stuff she doesn’t need, donate to some kid’s latest fundraiser, identify plants, learn sign language, play music, watch videos, track your location, email a teacher, and post a picture of her dog. Oh, and it’s not even lunchtime yet. How does she do it all? Lots and lots of data.
It’s Not a Plant Addiction, It’s Camouflage
Tactical moms know that someone, somewhere is coming for us, it’s only a matter of time. She may not know why or when, but she knows she’ll be ready. And one way she fortifies her household against attacks from some non-specific entity — whether it be the Boogeyman, the Russians, or something conjured in the recesses of her mind — is with camouflage. And by camouflage I mean a myriad of plants, many of which were overpriced, and some of which are now dead. But none of that matters. What matters is that she is keeping her family safe by shielding them from view with large amounts of indoor foliage. You may think she has an undiagnosed addiction to plants, but you’re what’s known as wrong. Just ask her.
How She Operates
So the next time mom throws something else in her purse, she isn’t hoarding, she’s preparing. When she’s scrolling social media, she’s not wasting time, she’s gathering intelligence. And when she’s driving, just get out of the way, because she’s on a mission.
Tactical moms get more done, solve more problems, and save more days than any SWAT operation ever will. Tactical moms are family centered, mission driven, team leading, prayer warriors. They love more, give more, care more, share more, and worry more than they will ever get credit for. But that’s what a tactical mom is and that’s how she operates.
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