The Curse of Competency

Everyone wants to be good at something. That is, right up until the point their supervisor notices.

One of the problems with unionization is that it’s almost impossible to fire someone. And let’s face it, some people just need to be fired. It’s not personal, it’s just that they’re terrible at their job or they embody all the qualities of a slug.

The Superstar and the Slug

Then there are the superstars — the real superstars, not the fake ones who check certain boxes and are put on pedestals by administration — who do great work, are humble, squared away, and highly professional day in and day out. The slugs and the superstars work side by side in stark contrast to one another. And though their pay may be the same, the quality and quantity of their work couldn’t be more different.

Slugs live by the motto of mediocre husbands everywhere, “If I do the job poorly enough the first time I’ll never get asked to do it again.” They want the maximum amount of benefits with the least amount of effort. Their plan is to do as little as possible until they hit retirement. For them, retirement looks suspiciously like their 20+ year career. The only difference is that they no longer have to leave the house to collect a check.

Slugs love seniority and demand respect for the monumental achievement of having a heartbeat and of succeeding in not getting fired. They measure productivity like a golf game — the lower their numbers, the better. Also, they prefer that someone else carry their bag, drive them around, and listen to them complain about how nothing goes their way.

Superstars, on the other hand, live by integrity, do the right thing, and do as much as they can, when they can. They could care less about seniority or who gets the credit. Superstars are reliable workhorses who you know will follow through and get the job done. And therein lies the problem.

The Supervisor

In order to get promoted a supervisor must go through a rigorous selection and vetting process to ensure they will unquestioningly carry out the administration’s bidding, and not a whole lot else. Much like their subordinates, supervisory ranks also consist of both slugs and superstars. Because the promotional process isn’t perfect, some superstars slip through and get promoted.

The Curse

The superstar is the hero, the slug is the antihero, and there’s no confusing the two. Not even for half-witted supervisors. When extra work, last minute top priorities, or other “special assignments” need to get doled out, it’s the superstar whose number gets called, never the slug’s. This is partly so that the supervisors come out smelling like roses and partly so that the slug’s routine and steady plod toward retirement is not interrupted. Bosses may be dumb, but they’re not stupid — they know who to pick when they want something done. This peculiar phenomenon is known as the Curse of Competency.

The tension between slugs and superstars is like the tension between good and evil, right and wrong, light and darkness, good music and country music. That tension is an energy, an invisible force, that keeps the police department world rotating like a rotisserie chicken at Costco. Without it, everything would stop, and one half would be severely under cooked, and we can’t have that.

Though the curse of competency can be a heavy burden to bear as you’re constantly being called upon to do extra work while you watch those free from the curse kicking back and sipping on a soda, it can actually be a blessing in disguise, and here’s why:

Living With Integrity

There’s something to be said for living with integrity. Okay, so I can’t think of anything at this very moment, however, it’s widely documented on motivational posters everywhere that having integrity is a good thing. Because if it wasn’t, we’d have a severe shortage of sayings to print on motivational posters, and then where would we be?

Recognition

After years and years of doing the right thing one day you will be publicly acknowledged for a job well done at a poorly planned ad hoc ceremony that almost no one will attend. It will be a special moment when the guy who rode your coattails to get promoted hands you a Certificate of Recognition printed on the best copier paper that the department budget would allow. Afterward, as you look appreciatively down at that special document, you will realize your name is spelled wrong and the gold seal adorning it is actually a coffee stain.

At Least You’re Not a Slug

Public recognition and all the probable benefits of living with integrity aside, at the end of the day, at least you’re not a slug. When you lay your head down on your pillow at night — or during the day because you still have to work midnights because all the dayshift spots were taken by slugs with seniority — you can close your eyes and sleep knowing that you worked hard, did your best, and did it all for the right reasons. As you drop off into a deep and peaceful sleep your phone will ring and you will have to go back into work and do it all over again.

But, at least you’re not a slug.

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