‘Twas The Night Before (A Firefighter’s) Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when you should be sleeping
And burglars prepare to find things for keeping.
Stockings with eye-holes were pulled over their heads with care
To disguise their appearance and to cover their hair.

‘Tis the season for robbing and stealing and thieving —
Bad guys couldn’t care less about what you believe in.
They take what they will and hurt who they must
To get what they want from the weakest among us.

So they turn their attention to the scared and the timid
To prey upon sheep like beasts that are livid.
Their hearts are stone cold, their wants never fulfilled,
They spend night after night honing their skills.

And now the time has come to get what’s desired
Their target selected, their target acquired —
Firemen with handlebar mustaches, boots, and suspenders
Who need rough men to guard them and be their defenders.

Cleaning, grocery shopping, grilling, and cooking,
Taking shirtless bathroom selfies when no one was looking.
They work on their poses to post on their walls
Or for charity calendars — all for a good cause.

Washing and waxing the trucks like Santa’s little elves
Then in the reflection they just admired themselves.
Those hose-draggers groom their mustaches with pride
In hopes that some fella would ask for a ride.

With a full day behind them of playing the hero
(Though when added up amounted to zero)
They put away their boots and headed upstairs
Donning unicorn PJ’s and pink underwear.

And so the firefighters were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of elbow-patch-sweaters danced in their heads.
Without a care in the world they slept safe and sound
Because they all figured the police were around.

Without a care in the world they sucked on their thumbs
Smiling and smirking and showing their gums.
Little did they know nefarious things were afoot
While burglars planned out how to take all their loot.

The firehouse presents were wrapped with great care
And lay under the tree in the chilly night air.
All stockings were stuffed and hung from a ladder
When a bump in the night caused the silence to shatter.

Awakened from sleep by the sound of the crash
The first firefighter wondered if it was a raccoon in the trash.
He paused and he waited to have another listen
And then was convinced of his precarious position.

By the glow of his night-light he called for his mom
(That’s the way firefighters sound the alarm)
He waited a minute but his mom didn’t come
Then another one with half a brain shouted, “Call 911!”

Frozen in fear they hid under the covers
Afraid where there’s one thief there just might be others.
The 911 operator told them help would be there soon
“Don’t leave your covers, don’t leave your room.”

Meanwhile the burglars piled the presents downstairs
To steal them away and to do it with flair.
“Resistance is futile!” they called to the air
Knowing the Mustache Brigade would never even dare.

But by that time the desperate call had gone through
To the real first responders who knew what to do.
The boys in blue were just minutes away
And would be there soon to rescue the day.

On cruiser! On radio! On blue lights and siren!
On tac-vest! On Kevlar! On rifle and helmet!
On flashlight! On red dot! On target and on time!
To the firehouse! To the scene of the crime!

In a flash, in a whisper, in the blink of an eye
The perimeter was set and a drone in the sky.
The place was surrounded, the burglars were stuck.
They had no place to go and were fresh out of luck.

Because they were calloused, and because they were dumb
They left out the back and started to run.
The order was issued, though slightly annoyed,
“Unleash the hounds!” Canine deployed.

The pursuit was short lived, the burglars too slow
After a bite or two there was blood in the snow.
Handcuffs followed and an ambulance soon after
The good guys won and avoided disaster.

Then, by the light of the moon, entry was made
To clear the firehouse and to render it safe.
With courage and tactics they sliced every pie
Clearing doorways and rooms as if they could fly.

They checked in the closets, then under the beds
And comforted the firefighters by patting their heads.
All was well, Christmas was saved!
The police gave the gift that they usually gave.

As the Wagon doors closed on the crooks and the thieves
The officers wrapped up and started to leave.
With a turn of his head and a tongue in his cheek
The officer quipped, “Your safe now. Go back to sleep.”

The blue lights turned off, the cruisers pulled away
Everyone in the station house gathered in the bay
Arm in arm the firefighters stood in the light
Wishing “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night!”

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