The Speed Of Trust

What is something that you first must give before you can keep?

(Dramatic pause)

It’s your word, of course.

Easier Said

When you give someone your word it is up to you to keep it, not them. It’s a kind of a funny paradox that might be caused by the bizarre nuance of the English language, because normally when you give something to someone, they are the ones who keep it, not you.

When you give your word you are making a promise or taking an oath, much like the one we took when we raised our right hand. It means doing what you said you would do, or not doing what you said you wouldn’t do. They are oaths of omission or commission. Which sounds easy until it actually comes time to follow through.

Intertwined

As police officers our careers are built or broken on our word. If we say something happened, then it happened. Because if it didn’t, well then, we’re out of a job, or we should be. Once we lie, the foundation of our reputation cracks and everything we’ve built on it will crumble. I think we understand the concept of credibility and get why it’s so important when it comes to our job. It makes sense. But when it comes to our personal lives, somehow it all becomes relative.

We can’t be one person at work, another at home, and yet another at church. We are not different people living different lives. We are one person living one life, though we play different roles or wear different hats at different times. I shouldn’t be a miserable jerk and swear like a sailor at work and then walk around with a virtual halo, a giant Bible, and a big dumb grin on my face at church on Sunday. I shouldn’t expect my coworkers to trust me and a jury to believe me, while at the same time be an unfaithful husband who cheats on his wife. You cannot be both and be successful long term. You are not two people. Whether we like it or not, our personal, professional, and spiritual lives are intertwined like the strands of a rope.

Can’t Trust This

If you pledged your love and took an oath in front of God and all those witnesses on your wedding day, but then went and did whatever you wanted, you are what’s known as someone who can’t be trusted. Because if the one person you loved above all others can’t trust you, then how can anyone else? And you shouldn’t expect them to. You are not two people.

Okay, so you might argue that that’s an extreme example, that you’re not that person. Awesome. I hope not. Where else might trust be eroding? What about with your kids?

Parenting By Empty Threat

Sometimes we suck at being a parent. I’ve been there plenty of times. We get tired, we get hangry, and we get annoyed. Why? Because we’re human and we make mistakes. Sometimes we just don’t know what to do so we revert to the way we were raised and use the same tactics or techniques that our parents used, however dysfunctional they may be. I’m not talking about outright abuse here, I’m talking about the subtle, socially acceptable defaults like parenting by empty threat. If you haven’t tried it then I’m fairly certain you’ve seen it. It goes like this:

Child: I want that cartoon-endorsed cereal made of marshmallows, high fructose corn syrup, and artificial colors. And I want it now!

Parent: No, put it back. That’s bad for you.

Child: Begins to throw a fit in the cereal aisle at the grocery store.

Parent: Remember what I said? You have to be good or you won’t be going to Zanzibar’s birthday party today! (Zanzibar is a new, trendy name. Just go with it).

Child: Throws fit anyway.

Parent: Okay then, you’re not going to the birthday party!

Child: Goes full wacko banana.

Parent: Continues to shop as fast as possible while pretending everything is fine — there’s nothing to see here.

– One hour later –

Child: Walks out the store with their cereal of choice and attends said birthday party.

X-Y-Z

That scenario and ones like it, have nothing to do with cereal, discipline, or pediatric verbal judo. It has everything to do with keeping your word. What did the parent just teach the child? That if they throw a fit they will get what they want? Maybe. But the bigger, unintended consequence is that that parent just taught their child that they don’t keep their word, undermining the trust they are so desperately trying to build. The parent said that if the child did X (not behave) then they would do Y (not allow them to go to the party). But, the parent didn’t do what they said they would do so they ended up with Z (distrust) because they didn’t keep their word.

The people around you —  kids and adults just the same — need to know that you say what you mean and mean what you say, that you will do what you said you will do no matter how awkward or inconvenient. How can we be trusted if we’re constantly sacrificing the permanent on the altar of the immediate?

The Speed Of Trust

Being faithful to your spouse or doing what you said you would do with your kids may seem like they have nothing to do with your job as a cop. But the truth is that it has everything to do with your job because you are not two people, and neither am I. Regardless of where we find ourselves, we must be practitioners, not just preachers.

Relationships move at the speed of trust. We know this instinctually though we can’t always put our finger on it. If we can’t trust each other then everything becomes superficial and we’ll constantly be hedging our bets against one another. A relationship like that can’t move very fast or very far.

Linked In

Building trust at home, at work, or on the street requires the same exact process. It requires you to do what you said you would do, over and over again. Your words linked with actions over time build a powerful chain that can accomplish amazing things as long as the links stay intact. And that, my friend, is entirely up to each one of us.

You took an oath. You made a vow. You gave your word. Now keep it.

__________________________

• Are you known for keeping your word?
• Do you keep your word with big things but let the little things slide?
• Are you faithful to your spouse?
• Can your kids count on you to do what you say?
• Do you compartmentalize your different roles?

__________________________

Thanks for reading! Do you have a story that you think we could learn from and that you’d like to share with Johnny Tactical nation? Fill out the contact form and include your name, rank, and department, or email it to [email protected] and follow these guidelines:

– It must be a firsthand account
– True
– Have a lesson, principle, or tactic to apply
– Cleaned of names, dates, and places
– Include your call sign

If your story is selected and published in our blog you’ll get the credit using your call sign and we’ll send you a free Live Tactical t-shirt!