Talking on the radio is second nature to me, but it wasn’t always that way. Not even close. I remember the awkward feeling the first time I picked up the mic and started talking into it. It felt like it wasn’t real and yet like everyone was listening all at the same time. Add to that having to say something coherent and intelligent that is short and to the point, then throw in the phonetic alphabet, and you have a recipe for word soup.
It’s funny hearing the noobs on the radio. They stick out like a sore thumb. If that’s you, don’t feel bad, it’s par for the course. One of our cruiser radios actually had a label stuck above it that said, “Think before you talk.” Something tells me a crusty veteran put that there. Talking on the radio gets better with time, and somehow, some way, an evolution will take place and your radio personality will start to take shape. Before you know it, people will instantly recognize you and have a pretty good idea of what to expect every time you key the mic.
When it comes to talking on the radio, cops fall into one of at least ten radio personality types, including, but not limited to, the following:
The Robot
The robot radio personality is devoid of exactly that — personality. They’re the anti-personality. There’s absolutely no voice inflection, expression, or emotion — especially humor. Simply put, the robot does not sound human. When they talk on the radio they sound like a bad 70’s sci-fi character shuffling around inside a highly decorated trash can with vacuum cleaner hoses for arms and flashing Christmas lights for special effects. Listening to them talk is the very definition of boredom.
The Sportscaster
No matter what the call for service is or what they’re doing, the sportscaster has to give a play-by-play of every single thing they’re doing. They are the kings and queens of giving step by step details like their reading the assembly instructions from an Ikea bedroom set. Nobody cares that you got out of your car, that you’re approaching on foot, that you heard a noise in the distance, that now you’re walking up the stairs, or what the guy you’re dealing with had for breakfast. We don’t need every little detail, we need the stuff that actually matters.
The Commentator
Not their call? Not a problem, they will always have something to chime in with. You stopped a car, they stopped it last week. You’re looking for a missing kid, well last time they found them under the bed. You check a name over the air, they’ll ask you if you’re familiar with that guy. No matter what you do, they’ll have a comment for it and take up valuable airtime doing it.
The Low Talker
With these cops, it’s like everything is a secret or they think the Russians are listening because they are always whispering on the radio. You have to max out the volume on your own radio and press the mic against your ear otherwise you’ll have no idea what they are saying or what is going on. If only they would lift the mic to their mouth and then talk normally, it’s that simple. The low talker is inevitably followed by:
The Screamer
They have one volume: deafening. It’s like they don’t even need a radio because you can hear them from across town and the only thing holding them back is the sound barrier. I don’t know if it’s because they are Italian or hard of hearing or what, but every time they key the mic they are shouting. Shouting about nothing. At first, you think they just got shot or that someone is lowering them by the ankles into a vat of boiling oil, but then you realize no, they are just asking if they can take a lunch break and giving you a heart attack in the process.
The Narrator
I hope you packed a lunch or won’t need backup any time soon because it’s going to be a while. When the narrator talks, they have a lot to say. They go on and on without releasing the mic and without taking a breath. They relay every bit of pointless information from soup to nuts when all they needed to say was G.O.A. Unlike the sportscaster, they save all the details until the very end and hit you with it like a copy of War and Peace. The narrator suffers from verbal diarrhea, is long-winded, and incapable of summarizing
The Mumbler
Got marbles? Well, the mumbler does — in their mouth. You can never tell what it is that they’re saying and always have to ask them to repeat whatever it was, but even then it’s futile. Sometimes you’ll be fortunate enough to have someone working who can act as an interpreter, but most times, you’re on your own. The mumbler speaks in sentegraphs devoid of punctuation, pauses, or articulation.
The Comedian
Easily the most fun to work with and often the most likely to spend a majority of their time in the sergeant’s office, under the shadow of an IA, or on the FCC’s naughty list. They inject humor, sarcasm, and find creative ways of using radio codes as innuendo to mask their complete and utter inappropriateness on the air. They make for good stories and good memories and offset the monotony of your typical shift full of formal police-speak.
The Boy Scout
Everything is by the book every time using as many radio codes and abbreviations as humanly possible. They follow protocol to a T and are the poster child for radio etiquette. Half the time you have no idea what is going on because they’re talking in codes no one has used since they were invented. Boy Scouts, like homeschoolers, love the fact that they know all the codes, all the protocols, and how to use them in such a way that makes you feel like an idiot and then they feed off your frustration. It’s how they say, “I’m better than you,” without saying, “I’m better than you.”
The Regular Guy
The Regular Guy is a winning combination of each of the personalities. They know when to be funny and when to be formal, when to elaborate and when to abbreviate, when to chime in and when to just shut up and go, and like any human, sometimes things happen and they scream or get riled up or talk gibberish. The Regular Guy takes his work seriously but not himself, is the best of us all, the most consistent, and the one radio personality to strive for.
Which personality did I miss? Which one are you?
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