Why We Give

There was a man-sized hand print on the boy’s face, and he wasn’t even a year old yet.

I had graduated from the Academy in late November, and by mid-December I was on the road with my FTO. One of the first calls I remember going to was a case of child abuse, the kind of abuse you read about. Our job was to go to the emergency room and take the initial report along with some photos of the injuries. The impression it left on me was as indelible as the black and blue handprint on the baby’s face.

Saving Christmas

The ten-month old had four brothers and sisters, and mom had a problem choosing the men she introduced into her life, and by default, into their lives as well. This guy was, among other things, a child abuser, and ultimately he went to prison. In the end, though, it’s always the kids who suffer most — and by no fault of their own.

Being December when this all went down, the child abuser was arrested and sent to jail, so my department rallied for the kids to try to save Christmas. A pile of presents were bought and donated for this mother and her five kids. I remember there were so many gifts we couldn’t fit them all in her station wagon. She seemed grateful and it felt really good to help a family in need. It was your classic heart-warming story of generosity, Christmas cheer, and good triumphing over evil.

Revolving Door

But then mom moved on to the next lowlife, repeating the same behavior, while apparently expecting different results. Before the following summer was over, I found myself standing in her new apartment and in the worst living conditions I had ever seen. Not only was she and her kids now shacked up with a convicted sex offender, but they were living in filth, with garbage, dirty diapers, and vermin piled as high as the light switches on the wall. The air was unbreathable, the children’s diapers hadn’t been changed in days, and who knows when was the last time they had eaten.

Within a few hours we had the kids removed from that trash heap and a judge authorized placement with relatives. The whole thing was terrible and I was furious. Everything we had done for them had all come to naught. The time, the effort, the care, the generosity, and the extra mile had amounted to a grand total of zero. After all we had done, what was the point?

For You, Not Them

Here’s the thing about generosity, it’s not for them, it’s for you.

Yes, generosity can help other people, but when that act of generosity leaves your hand — whether it be money, or time, or talent — you cannot control what happens to it. You can’t control how others respond, what they do with it, or whether or not it changes the trajectory of someone’s life. There’s no guarantee it solves the problem or ends the suffering. It’s not a one hit wonder. So if you try to quantify generosity by a tangible outcome like I was, you are misjudging it.

When you practice generosity you are growing a part of you — like exercising a muscle — that makes you into a better person, regardless of the outcome of any one individual act. Generous people are the kind of people others want to be around. Generous people are kind and compassionate, thoughtful and introspective, gracious and grateful. They live better lives with a better quality of life.

Better For It

This job can make us salty, cynical, and apathetic if we let it. We start out starry eyed and idyllic, but one or two scenarios like the one I experienced in my first year and we can get jaded and write off generosity altogether. Which is why we need to remember that generosity is not for them, it’s for us. It’s good for us to give, it changes us, which is truly the only person we can change. And when your gift does what you hoped it would do, you both win.

I don’t know where that lady is now or what happened to her kids after all these years, I can only hope that a seed was planted in their lives for the better. Be wise in your giving and never stop being generous. You and everyone who crosses your path will be better for it.

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• What’s your take on generosity?
• Do you make giving part of your routine?
• Have you been burned in the past?
• How has a gift that you’ve received impacted you?

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